DISCLAIMER: The paramount people own them all.
WARNINGS: Bad language, gratuitous sexual innuendo, gets hot and heavy toward the end. If slash isn't your thing, please do not read.
CLASSIFICATION: T/7 (H/C, T/J/T, T/J, T/f) fluff/PWP. Almost a spoof, as it degenerates into silliness pretty much from the first sentence.
RATING: Nc-17 (Well, it is an answer to Odon's Super Challenge.)
Intergalactic Spanner of Doom
By Quew
'But Interglatic-Parental-Super-Being-Of-The-Female-Persuasion!' The almost fully grown Intergalactic being whined. 'I did not mean to destroy that galaxy with my incredible power of wumpy pumpy!'
'You have gone too far this time, Intergalactic-Minor!' The Intergalactic-Parental-Super-Being-Of-The-Female-Persuasion boomed, towering over the omnipotent almost adult and frowning as well as any being can frown whilst being non-corporeal.
The Intergalactic-Minor looked imploring at the Intergalactic-Parental-Super-Being-Of-The-Male-Persuasion, who gave him a look that quite plainly said 'Do /not/ expect me to intercede on your behalf when she is in one of her moods.'
The female bent down several million miles to be non-coporeal face to non-coporeal face with her offspring, and then said, 'You know the punishment we decreed for this kind of behaviour, Intergalactic-Minor! Creating the beast with two backs with linear beings!'
'What behaviour! All I did was-'
'You transmogrified yourself into a-' the Intergalactic-Being-Of-The-Female-Persuasion fairly spat the next word '-/linear/ being! And you had sexual-' another disgust laden pause '-/Interaction/. With a flesh-bag! When that nice Intergalactic-Woman in the next universe over has been asking you out for months!'
'He's reaching that kind of millennium, dear,' The Intergalactic-Being-Of-The-Male-Persuasion said calmly, concentrating on creating a new kind of star.
'It was never like this when we were young!' She snapped.
'Actually-'
'And then!' She interrupted quickly, shooting a look at her spouse that blew up a few nearby planets. 'You initiated copulation between yourself and four other individuals! And used your powers to bestow them with things like '100 orgasms!' and 'Endless tongue'!'
Ignoring the snort of laughter that was quickly coughed down by the Intergalactic-Super-Being-Of-The-Male-Persuation, she continued. 'I would like an explanation, young entity!'
The Intergalactic-Minor mumbled something that sounded like, 'It was fun.'
'Oh, it was, was it? Do you know what you've done?'
'Don't care.'
'Well you should, Young Intergalactic-Super-Being!' The female cried. 'Do you realise we have an Intergalactic reputation to uphold? What will the neighbours think!'
'Don't care.'
'Well, lets see how much you care after your punishment! Seeing as you like flesh-bags so much that you feel you have to manipulate them constantly, how about we punish you by making you something they manipulate!'
'You wouldn't!' The Young-Intergalactic-Adult gasped, horrified.
'I do think that's a /little/ extreme, dear.'
'You do, do you?' She snapped, whirling on her spouse.
He saw the look on her face and looked away quickly. 'No?'
The female nodded decisively and then waved a hand. The youngest Interglactic-Super-Being disappeared in a flash as the inter-dimensional rifts opened and sucked him through.
The last thing they heard as he disappeared was, 'I hate you!'
The female, after taking a moment to calm down, sighed and shook her head. 'They were never that bad when we were young.'
'Indeed,' the man said mildly. 'Fancy a bonk?'
'Get out of my way!' B'Elanna snapped at an ensign as she strode through engineering. She was not having a good day; she'd found out the night before that Tom had being doing the nasty with some crewmember from hydroponics, and she'd immediately thrown him out and trashed all of his personal items that she'd found, including his prized tube of industrial strength lubricant that had cost him ten replicator rations. She'd grinned evilly while squeezing it all over the revealing panties that he insisted she wore sometimes - revealing because they had no crotch - and she'd hated them but worn them to keep him from whining. He could be such a pain in the ass, she didn't know why she'd stayed with him as long as she had…well, maybe it had something to do with the fact that despite his boyish attitude, the size of his…um, photonic cannon was anything but boyish.
It suddenly dawned on the engineer just how shallow a reason to stay with an asshole that was, and her bad mood took a turn for the worse as a wave of self disgust swamped her.
'Lieutenant,' someone said. B'Elanna ground her teeth together and whirled on her heel, coming face to breasts with Seven of Nine.
'Yes, Seven?' She asked testily, ripping her gaze away from Seven's cleavage and looking up.
'I require your assistance, some of the relays have blown in Astrometrics.'
/She never says please, does she?/ B'Elanna growled to herself. 'I can't, Seven, I've got a lot of work to do here,' she said.
'I shall fix them myself then,' the ex-drone said, already turning.
'Oh no you don't!' B'Elanna snapped. 'That's an engineers job, and an engineer will damn well do it! Get Vorik to help you!' And with that she stamped off to her first task of the day.
She was halfway through repairing the damaged panelling in jefferies tube forty three before she realised she didn't have her isolinear spanner. She checked her tool kit once, twice and then a third time, and then proceeded to throw the kit into the wall as the spanner was nowhere to be found.
Swearing in just about every language she knew, she searched a final time as she picked up the dropped tools, but it was nowhere to be found.
'You can never find a damn isolinear spanner when you need one!' She yelled.
What happened next B'Elanna was never very sure; she thought she heard a voice, right on the edge of hearing, say, 'Ah, perfect,' and then an elongated and high pitched scream that screamed to be coming toward her very, very fast.
'Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkk!!!'
The scream became highly localised, and then, right in front of her, an isolinear spanner appeared. She poked it with a finger once or twice before slowly picking it up and examining it.
She shrugged; she could worry about where it came from later, right now, she had repairs to do. Getting a firm grip on the spanner, began to work with it.
Slowly, she became aware she was being watched. She looked down the jefferies tube both ways but could see no other crewmembers. She turned back to her work, and then felt eyes on her again. Slowly, very, very slowly, she let her own eyes fall onto the isolinear spanner.
'Don't suppose you fancy a shag?' it said.
Rumours about the degenerating mental health of the Chief Engineer spread very quickly through Voyager that day, and they were all rooted in the fact that four crewmembers had seen B'Elanna sprinting through the corridors, an isolinear spanner held at arms length and a panicked look on her face, repeating 'Oohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod,' as she ran.
She dived into Astrometrics and threw the spanner at Seven, who ducked calmly and then bent to pick it up. 'I was not aware our arguments had escalated to being physically violent with each other, lieutenant.' She said.
'The…!' B'Elanna said, pointing frantically at the spanner.
Seven looked at the thoroughly shaken engineer and then at the tool. 'Is there something wrong with the spanner, lieutenant?'
'The…!'
Seven found a tricorder and then scanned the instrument, one eyebrow raising.
'The damn thing spoke to me!' B'Elanna managed, her eyes wild.
'What did it say?' Seven said, her thoughts racing. She'd already concluded the engineer had been working too hard, and that she was in the midst of some sort of delusion. She would have to try and persuade the lieutenant to come with her to sickbay.
'It..it…er…it was quite suggestive.' B'Elanna said eventually, realising just how strange this was sounding.
'It does not seem to be happening now, perhaps we should take you to sickbay.'
'Wha…you think I'm insane!?' B'Elanna raged.
'You have been working, on average, three hours over the end of your shift for the last three weeks, and, lieutenant, you believe an isolinear spanner spoke to you.'
'It did!' B'Elanna yelled, leaping forward and grabbing it. She shook it furiously and then screamed. 'Speak, damn you!'
Seven tried to be impassive as she could as she watched the woman she had come to think of as a consummate professional leap around Astrometrics screaming at the tool. She was about to step in and restrain the poor woman when B'Elanna jumped forward, thrusting the thing in Seven's face.
'Say /something/ to her!!' She yelled.
'Great melons, blondie.' The spanner said.
Seven was shocked out of her impassivity for a second, but then she reached forward and snatched the spanner from B'Elanna's hand, ignoring the engineers smug expression.
'What are you?' She asked.
'I am an Intergalactic Super Being!' The spanner squeaked. 'Bow down to me!'
'Okkkaaaayyy,' B'Elanna said, trying to hold down laughter. 'What is your name?'
'My name cannot be pronounced by inferior linear beings!' The spanner said. 'But you can call me Bob.'
'Bob?' B'Elanna spluttered. 'Bob??' She tried, she really did, but within five seconds she was flat on her back, laughing so hard tears fell from her eyes.
She managed to catch her breath, and looked up. To her amazement, Seven's shoulders were shaking and the ex-drone had clamped her hand to her mouth. Her eyes were panicked, and the engineer realised Seven had never really laughed before. It was scaring her.
She stood quickly and moved over to the blonde, stroking her back, and murmuring 'It's okay, let it out.'
'What is so funny, flesh bags!' The spanner screeched, bouncing up and down with fury. 'I am an Intergalactic Being Of Doom and my name is Bob!'
Little choking noises escaped from between Seven's fingers, and B'Elanna gently prised the ex-drones' hand away from her face. Seven's lips were split by a huge smile, and B'Elanna had to catch her breath as it was stunning. The ex-borg started laughing, peel after peel escaping from her, and she looked desperately at B'Elanna, who was starting to chuckle again.
'It's…okay…' B'Elanna managed, laughing and leaning into Seven's body as her legs felt weak again. Seven leaned into B'Elanna, and even through the laughter, B'Elanna was aware of Seven's body pressing against hers.
'You two are hot,' the spanner said. 'Have you ever done the horizontal folk dance together?'
'What?' B'Elanna checked.
'You know; screwed, banged, ridden the love dragon…'
'Ridden the love dragon?' Seven managed over more of B'Elanna's hysterical laughter. 'I have never heard that term in reference to sex.'
'Mores the pity, sweetheart,' The spanner said. 'I'd love to be your snugglebunny.'
'Seven…' B'Elanna said. 'Can I just check that I'm…not crazy?' The blonde nodded. 'Is there, or is there not, an isolinear spanner here that is an Intergalactic Super Being called…' she started laughing once more…'Bob, and who wants to…be your snugglebunny?'
Seven started to giggle, and then outright laughter was once again washing over the ex-drone. B'Elanna smiled at her as the blonde gripped a panel to keep upright, the other hand pressed against her belly. 'I believe…you are correct, B'Elanna.' She managed.
'And what's so funny about that?!!' The spanner said, bouncing up and down once more, and using the tone of voice that suggested if it had a mouth, it'd be foaming. 'Is it because I'm small??!!'
That set B'Elanna and Seven off again, and they were clutching at each other in hysterics when the captain chose that moment to stride into Astrometrics. The pair stopped laughing immediately.
'Seven, I wanted…to…talk…' Janeway trailed off as her brain caught up with her eyes. B'Elanna had her arm around the ex-drones shoulders, and there appeared to be tears in Seven's eyes. 'Seven!' She cried, running forward and pushing B'Elanna out of the way, helping the ex-borg drone to stand upright. 'Are you okay??'
'I am fine, Captain,' Seven said, catching her breath.
'What is going on here?' She asked Seven.
'Nice ass, shorty,' a voice said behind her. The captain whirled, shocked, and pointed a quivering finger at B'Elanna.
'What did you say?!' she screeched.
'I-I didn't say anything!' B'Elanna said, looking at Seven with wide brown eyes.
'I did not hear lieutenant Torres say anything, captain,' Seven said, putting a hand on her superiors shoulder. Janeway turned back and nodded, looking a little shocked.
No sooner had she opened her mouth to speak again than she heard, 'I'd love to try out the eighty-ninth position on you, hot stuff.'
'/B'Elanna!/' She yelled. 'I should throw you in the brig!'
'It…it was...' She sighed, closed her eyes and took a deep breath. 'The…spanner…captain.' She said, holding it out like a peace offering.
Janeways' eyebrows tried to migrate to the back of her head. 'Are you telling me the spanner spoke?' She asked, looking extremely disbelieving and taking the spanner gingerly between her thumb and forefinger.
'You betcha, my little firecracker,' the spanner said. If it had eyebrows, they would've been waggling furiously. 'I wonder what your love juices taste like!'
Janeway squealed and dropped the spanner like it was on fire. It hit the ground and let out an irritated 'Ow!', followed by, 'How dare you treat a superior being like that!'
'Superior being?' Janeway asked, still in shock.
'It seems that we've found the only spanner in existence that has a superiority complex and the sexual maturity of Mr Paris,' Seven explained, picking up the offending item.
'What am I, some kind of lab experiment??!' The spanner squealed, fighting against Harry Kim's grip. He passed it quickly along to Tom, and soon the whole command team had held it and been insulted in some fashion.
Janeway carefully placed Bob in the centre of the table and said, 'Suggestions?'
'Scan it?' Said Harry.
'Blow it up?' Said Tom.
'Try and learn more about its culture?' Said Chakotay.
'Cunnilingus?' Said Bob.
'Well, so far it has been no trouble,' Janeway said, completely ignoring Bob. 'And it seems to be no threat, so-'
She was interrupted by an evil snigger form the centre of the table. Bob was sniggering madly to himself, his little metal body vibrating furiously. B'Elanna had the presence of mind to say, 'Uh oh.'
'No threat!' Bob exclaimed. 'We'll soon see about that! I may have been stripped of most of my powers, but I can still affect flesh-bags! And you lot were all so repressed, it was easy!'
'What was easy, Bob?' Janeway asked with exaggerated calmness.
'Anyone who's touched me had been infected by my insatiable passion for a good shafting!' Bob yelled triumphantly.
'You mean you made us horny?' B'Elanna snorted. 'It doesn't seem to have worked very…oh.' Her pupils dilated and her breathed suddenly became very laboured. '/OH./'
'Did I mention it was time delayed?' Bob said innocently.
Janeway leapt into action. 'Right, Seven, escort B'Elanna back to her quarters and then lock yourself in Cargo Bay Two, the rest of you, get back to your quarters right now! Doctor! You're the only one unaffected, so you-' She paused as Bob chuckled to himself once more. 'The doctor too?'
'Uh, captain?' The doctor was looking down at his nether regions. 'I seem to have acquired an autonomic sexual subroutine!' He looked up, and everyone could see the hungry look in his eyes. Just as he leapt for Chakotay, Janeway barked,
'Computer! Transfer the EMH back to sickbay!' The doctor disappeared and his mobile emitter fell to the floor.
'Never mind, I'll command all of our quarters to lock down for twelve hours!' The captain said, leaping forward to a console. 'Now move!'
Seven dragged the sweating hybrid out of her chair and together they made it to the turbolift. Harry and Chakotay got as far as the messhall before they became a fused mass of arms and legs, falling over Ensign Wildman's table and spilling her plate of leola root stew, a fact for which she was grateful, although she didn't stay long enough to express it.
'Work your a-koo-chee-mojo on me, Chakotay!' Harry screeched, desperately ripping at his commanders trousers, and he wasn't at all surprised to find that Chakotay was oh so ready and willing to oblige in a little assfucking.
Tom, Tuvok and Janeway had made the mistake of all piling into the same turbolift, and they were half way to their deck when Bob's evil influence kicked it.
Suddenly overcome with lust, Janeway leapt onto her buff security chief, knocking her com-badge on as she did so and broadcasting a screamed, 'Suck my nipples!' to the entire crew.
'#Captain#,' Seven's cool voice sounded over the com-system. '#'I realise you regard me as a surrogate daughter, but I believe your asking me to suck on your breasts carries that analogy too far!#' In the background, B'Elanna's hysterical laughter could be heard.
Janeway paid absolutely no attention to the com, instead paying much more to the fact that Tuvoks raging manhood was pressing against her pussy, driving her wild with lust. When the turbolift stopped at the next floor, she absent mindedly pushed Tom straight out of the doors and ground herself into Tuvok, eliciting a groan from the usually stoic man. They then began to engage in what was possibly the most furiously performed oral pleasuring seen in the Delta quadrant, on any other quadrant, for that matter.
The turbolift went on its way, and Tom, passion fuelled and sex mad, grabbed the first ensign he found and dragged her toward the nearest room - the shuttlebay. Lucky for him she'd always fancied a go one what he liked to call 'The Penetrator,' and she followed willingly.
Soon they were happily ensconced in the Delta Flyer. Tom threw all the tools that were scattered around on the piloting controls - including a rather sensitive piece of measuring equipment that broke on impact and that B'Elanna would kill him for later, and another isolinear spanner and they got down to business.
The doc was ensconced in sickbay, giving himself almost violently enthusiastic hand relief. Seven and B'Elanna had done much better than the others, actually managing to get to B'Elanna's quarters before they felt overcome. B'Elanna had Bob clutched tightly in one hand, and she glared at him as she fell onto her couch. 'I…should…kill…you…for…this!!' She managed through gritted teeth, raising her hand to smash him against the floor.
'Hey, hey!!' Bob said, struggling weakly against B'Elanna's grip.
'choSuvchugh 'oy'lIj Daghur neH!' Seven snapped suddenly, striding toward the pair.
B'Elanna grinned, an evil glint appearing in her eye, 'You tell him, Seven!'
'I was not speaking to him, B'Elanna!' Seven shot back. Without breaking her stride, she leapt onto the engineer and ground the flat of her hand into B'Elanna's mound while the other played with the engineers' breasts. B'Elanna lost the last shreds of her self-control and ripped Seven's bio-suit off, dropping Bob in the process. Poor Toby, B'Elanna's stuffed Targ, was crushed under the pair as they made full use of the couch.
'Hey, I can't see shit down here! What's going on? What's going on?!' Bob screeched, as the sounds of B'Elanna diving headfirst into Seven's slit could be heard.
Seven stopped B'Elanna long enough for the blonde to shift their positions so that they could sixty-nine each other, doing so enthusiastically.
B'Elanna ran her tongue along Seven's vagina, making the ex-drone buck her hips as she tried to centre herself to B'Elanna's dripping cunt, but the way the engineer was running her tongue around Seven's genitalia was making it so hard to concentrate.
Ravaging Seven's mons, B'Elanna kneaded the porcelain flesh of the ex-drones sides with her hands whilst her tongue covered every inch of the blondes' labia making sure she didn't miss one centimetre. The feeling of Seven delicately working on her vulva with a long, gentle tongue was enough to nearly make her orgasm on the spot. She upped the ante, using one hand to thrust three fingers into Seven, while her tongue found Seven's clitoris. She got the surprise of her life, for when her tongue touched it for the first time, an electric shock passed through her body, hitting all her erogenous zones before settling in her stimualted quim, where it made Seven's ministrations feel twice as good. As if reading her mind, Seven mumbled 'Borg enhanced clitoris', and then went back to satisfying the brunette.
Unheard on the floor, Bob was frantically trying to bounce high enough to see what was happening, but the standard issue Starfleet carpets were not known for their use in this capacity, and for good reason. He was left, unheeded, screaming pathetically, 'All I wanted was a good lay!!'
The Delta Flyer drifted further away from Voyager as Paris and the ensign continued shagging with wild abandon. Somewhere along the line they'd activated the flight controls and sent themselves into space - not that either of them had noticed.
The ensign (who shall remain unnamed for the sake of her own decency) was currently giving Paris anal sex with the aid of the fallen isolinear spanner, and Paris didn't seem to be complaining. In fact, he was doing anything but.
Suddenly, a roaring filled the Delta Flyer's cabin.
'What the hell do you think you are doing to my son!??' Someone cried.
Something far too big for the small cabin was trying to materialise, and the ensign was flung backwards, falling behind the science station and huddling, terrified. The craft began to shake, the emergency shock absorbers refusing to deal with the forces at play, and Paris wasn't so lucky; he was caught in the inverse spatial anomaly the Super Being was inadvertently creating by trying to fit into the small space without first sizing itself down to fit their dimension. He screamed as his body was turned inside out, culminating in a rather messy explosion. When the noise had died down, a rather peeved and sheepish voice said, 'Damn, wrong spanner.'
With a flick of her wrist and really not as much concentration as she should have bought to bare on such a fiddly task, she recreated Paris and then left. DNA is a tricky business; even the Intergalactic Super Beings can make mistakes.
About three seconds later the same entity, taking care to materialise properly, appeared in B'Elanna's quarters. She saw the entangled pair on the sofa - who were lost in their own little world - and sighed.
'You can't stop yourself, can you,' she said, picking up Bob from his position on the floor. 'As much as I dislike flesh-bags, you can't let them go on like this; they might cease to exist.'
'I'm not doing it, Elder-Being,' Bob snickered, 'My influence wore off an hour ago! Now do you see why I enjoy linear beings so much?'
The Intergalactic-Parental-Super-Being-Of-The-Female-Persuasion tipped her head to one side and watched B'Elanna and Seven thoughtfully for a few seconds. 'Ye-es,' she said slowly, 'and now we have to…go. I have to go and…ask your Intergalactic Sire something.'
B'Elanna and Seven stumbled into sickbay eight hours later, trying to hold each other up as their legs refused to work right. They'd tried every position available, and had even improvised with household objects, fashioning something B'Elanna would now always think of as 'B'Elanna's Double Dildo of Death.' All B'Elanna could think about was a full body massage, preferably given by a certain blonde woman, followed by sleep, preferably taken with a certain blonde woman.
She licked her dry and cracked lips and then groaned, 'Doctor,' flopping bonelessly onto a bio-bed. 'A little help here?'
'Ah, glad to see you finally made it,' he said. 'You're the last two.'
B'Elanna looked muzzily around the sickbay. Tom, Chakotay, Harry and the captain were lying on bio-beds, all completely unconscious and covered in bruises and gashes.
She sighed and lay back on her bio-bed. Suddenly, her space was halved as Seven left her bio-bed and took up residence on the engineers' own. She sat primly on the edge, and B'Elanna wondered what was going on.
'B'Elanna,' she said quietly. 'I was wondering if I may invite you out to dinner.'
They had been having wild hot monkey sex for gods knows how long, and Seven had still come to ask her out. B'Elanna felt a warm feeling infuse her chest as she sat up, taking in the ex-drones nervous expression.
'have you ever tried banana pancakes, Seven, with extra whipped cream?' she said eventually.
The ex-drones' eyes lit up. 'Is that your way of accepting, B'Elanna?' She asked, her hopeful tone breaking B'Elanna's heart.
'Of course,' she whispered. She pulled Seven down next to her and spooned her from behind. She was about to drift away when her eyes landed on Tuvok, who was sitting bolt upright on the bed next to hers. Something was different about him, she noticed, and she couldn't quite put her finger on what…had he had a hair cut? No, that wasn't it…
'Tuvok!' She gasped. 'Your ears!'
He turned his impassive gaze on her and said, 'Yes. They have had to be docked.'
'What? Why?'
'The tips of my ears did not receive the required amount of blood for quite a length of time,' he said.
'How the hell did that happen?' B'Elanna asked.
For only a moment, his expression flickered, and then it returned to its blank state. 'The captain…needed something to hold on to,' He said.
The End