DISCLAIMER: Guiding Light and its characters are the property of Proctor & Gamble. No infringement intended.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am so sucked in to this new fandom it's a little scary. Here's my first attempt at writing Otalia, be gentle.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Windows to the Soul
Gus's eyes were always kind and gentle. He was a man of passion and emotion and I will forever love him, nothing will diminish that. That his strong heart sustains another equally passionate person now does not surprise me in the least. He was an honorable man and I was proud to be his wife and the mother of his child. But Gus is gone and it is time for me to move forward. He would want that, I know it.
Frank's eyes are earnest and good. They warm with humour and tenderness and when he told his family of our engagement I've never seen him so happy. He is a considerate lover and fun to be around. He is a decent man and I should be thrilled to be his bride. I should want that, right?
Olivia's eyes where do I even start? So many emotions run through them, she is so expressive with just a look. I know they can be hard and fierce but it has been a long time since I have seen those eyes look at me that way. Now they seem to shine with unshed tears or flash with a sudden intensity that make me feel so sad. How often have I hurt you with an insensitive word, when all I want to do is tell you what is in my heart. She is my best friend and so much more. I am loath to lose what we have already in our little farmhouse. And I know I probably shouldn't want it that badly, but I do.
My eyes are closed, in prayer. I'm on my knees before you God and seek your guidance and strength. Surely these feelings I am having can not be a sin. You are a God of love after all, aren't you? Guilt washes over me, daring to question His ways and I say another Hail Mary. Give me the strength to do what you want.
Gus watches from above, of that I'm almost certain. I can feel him sometimes, near me listening to my prayers. Or sometimes he seems to be holding me through the long nights I can't sleep as I try to figure out how to fix this whole mess. It gives me some comfort as I cry myself to sleep.
Frank watches out for me but doesn't really see me for who I am. He wants to take care of me, protect me, and claim me as his own. I should want that, to feel like I belong to him and his family. Why then do I only feel trapped and alone?
Olivia watches me from afar, I know it. I feel her presence sometimes like a caress in the night and I would invite her closer if I thought she would come. She is so much more than anyone gives her credit for. Sure she can rule the board room and intimidate the best out there but I simply admire that strength of conviction. I am so honored to have seen her soft center, the gentle caring mother and good friend. I can't forget our past, or what we've both inflicted on each other but I am proud at how we've risen past that to this new relationship. God, she just makes me happy.
I watch those around us. Half of Springfield already thinks our farmhouse is a den of iniquity. I see the people staring at us when we have dinner out, whispering who knows what. I worry about Emma and what her future will be like. Just more guilt to weigh me down. My feelings are not an option, I need to focus on what is right. I should think of what is best for our odd little family, even if it is tearing me up inside. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll be able to achieve it.
Tonight I saw it for the first time. She struggles not to say it, afraid I'll disappear into the night, running from her like all the other times. It was in her eyes, and I saw it burning bright, igniting something deep in me. Heaven help me, I don't have a prayer that's going to cover this. It's overwhelming and messy and my heart is thundering in delight.
I move closer to her on the small bench on the porch and trail my hand along her soft cheek, enjoying her shiver of anticipation as she finally looks up and stares at me. She is waiting for me. She has always been waiting for me it seems to me now. I slide my fingers into her thick hair and I am overwhelmed by the need to claim her as my own.
"Olivia?" Her name falls from my lips, like a new prayer I'll soon know by heart. She doesn't move, and I know that it is time that I come to her. Before I can think about it I have closed the small distance still between us, and gently kiss her oh so soft mouth. She tastes like red wine and ice cream. It feels like home.
"Open your eyes." I whisper against her lips, as we barely separate. So afraid, I know, but she listens and I see it. I see it right there behind her eyes, desperate to be set free.
A single moment of clarity, hits me like a bolt of lightening. For the first time in what seems like forever I know what I must do. It's time to be brave, to fight for what I really want, to claim my family and never let go. I briefly wonder what my eyes have given away to her, as her eyes widen a little in surprise and I whisper into the night air from my heart and my soul.
"I love you."
Her beautiful eyes flutter shut for a moment, as if in silent prayer. When she finally opens them again it is like looking through the windows to her soul. I see it shining there before she even says it, shattering the cage of fear that had been holding my heart prisoner, setting me free at last.
"I love you too, Natalia."
Return to Guiding Light Fiction
Return to Main Page