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ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Tell Me What to Say
Blair laid on her bed. She kept going over the conversation she had with Jo a few hours ago. She looked at the clock. It was now 1:45 a.m. "I'm never going to get to sleep," she sighed. "God, what did I do?" she asked no one. The bed next to her was still empty since Jo had not come home. She pulled back the blanket and exited the room that suddenly felt too small. Making her way downstairs she sat in the dark of the living room.
"I mean what did she think I would say if there was anything to say at all?" Blair asked the empty room. "I just stood there, and looked at her." She shook her head. She'd had way too much to process exactly what it was Jo told her, and what it was Jo was asking of her.
"I love you."
I laughed at the seriousness in her voice. "I love you too. You're my best friend."
"No. That's not what I mean. I mean I I'm," she faltered. I knew she was upset. I pushed her into saying it. I never should have done that.
"It's okay? You're what?" I asked placing a hand on her shoulder, encouraging her to go on. Whatever it was she needed to say, it was eating her up inside.
"I'm in love with you," she said removing my hand.
I asked in the softest of whispers, "You're what?"
"I'm in love with you. I just needed you to know. I couldn't keep it inside any longer." Silence surrounded us in the confides of our room.
"When? Why?" the words where coming out, but they hadn't been able to formulate the questions that ran around in my mind.
"I don't know. I've tried so hard to fight it, to tell myself it's wrong. God it's so wrong " She ran her hands through her hair. She paused for a moment, looking me in the eyes before she continued, "I never even planned on telling you. I just I just," she stopped closing her eyes.
"You just what? You just needed me to know? I mean how could you let this happen? How could how could you love me?" I asked, suddenly allowing the words to sink in, hitting me hard. I wasn't angry just confused, but the words came out angry. I didn't mean it to sound that way, but I couldn't help myself.
"I'm I don't know what I'm trying to say here," she said moving around me and sitting on the bed. "God, I am so sorry I said anything. I was just going to leave and " I heard the words 'leave' and cut her off instantly.
"Leave? You're leaving?"
"I just thought it was for the best. If I left, maybe I'd get over this. I wouldn't be in your way. I'd be out of your life. And and I could stop these feelings. You know, for the best "
"That's what the best is? Great solution to the problem leave." I said beginning to pace. So much for a normal afternoon and maybe a game of tennis.
"It's not like this is what I wanted, it just seemed like the logical thing. It's killing me being here in this town, with you. I just can't do it anymore. I can't keep pretending to not feel. It hurts too much."
"How long have you felt this way?"
"I don't know," She said reaching across my bed picking up the picture of us a few years ago from High School graduation. She laughed, almost sadly. I saw a tear creep out from the corner of her right eye.
Crying. She was crying. She never cried.
Who was this woman? Where did Jo go?
"Jo, don't," I said softly. I sat down next to her, placing my arm around her shoulder. I was so confused. Part of me wanted to run from her, but another part of me, that part that loved her unconditionally, wanted to comfort her in any way I could.
"Please, Princess, don't do that," she said removing herself from the bed.
"What? Now I can't even touch you?" I said defensively. She was the one who just dropped the bombshell, and now I was being made to feel bad for something as innocent as a hug? "We're back to that again?"
"I just need you to understand Blair. Please, say something?"
What did she think I would say if there was anything to say at all? I just stood there, looking at her. "You know, I don't think I know what to say really. I mean Should I say thank you? I just can't deal with this right now Jo, not with everything else happening in my life. We're graduating in three weeks. I've got the whole world ahead of me." I shrugged. I needed some time.
"Maybe you should go." It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but for the moment, it was all I had.
"Go?" she said, almost sadly. "Okay. Yeah okay..." she looked around the room, like she might be leaving something behind. "Okay I'll go." She opened the door to our room, and looked back at me.
Her eyes were pleading for some form of acceptance. I didn't give her any. My best friend just told me that she not only loved me, but that she was in love with me. My mind was attempting to process way too much. Our eyes locked. "Okay " she said one last time, leaving me alone in my room.
That was hours ago
The darkness of the living room kept me safe and secure. I heard the front door open, as Jo walked in, her helmet tucked under her arms.
"Blair," Jo stopped. "What are you doing up? It's after 2 a.m."
"I couldn't sleep," Blair replied.
"Oh. Yeah. My fault huh?"
"No. It's not your fault Jo. I just needed some time to think about this. About us. I you sort of dropped it on me you know?" Blair said slightly hesitant.
"I know. I'm sorry for that," Jo apologized. She broke eye contact from Blair.
"No, don't be. I'm glad you said something. I mean, I always want us to be able to share our feelings with each other Jo. That's important. Never be sorry for that."
"Lets just pretend it never happened," Jo offered giving her best smile. "I was just confused. I'm not confused anymore. Okay?"
Blair walked over to where Jo stood. "Can I ask you a favor?"
"Close your eyes. I need to conduct a test."
"Yeah. Just close your eyes." Jo did as she was told. She felt Blair's lips on her own. She wanted desperately to respond but she knew Blair needed to be in control of this.
"Done." She heard a voice say quietly and shyly.
"Results?" Jo asked, eyes still closed.
"Results are " And Blair kissed her again, this time with more passion and emotion. Jo ignored that rational part of her telling her to take it slow. She needed this kiss as much as Blair did. Jo brought her hands up behind Blair's head and pulled her in even closer. They fall back into the wall. Blair's right hand slightly caressed Jo's backside. She could feel Jo's reaction and she liked how she'd responded. She pulled back. Both girls smiled and blushed slightly.
"Okay. Well, I think I will be able to sleep now," Blair said softly. Jo chuckled and picked up Blair's hand.
"I love you Blair. I hope I didn't push you into anything you weren't ready for?"
"Are you kidding me? I'm ready. I just need to sort and process my stuff you know? Thanks for letting me do that."
"Always, Blair," Jo said kissing her again.
"Goodnight Jo," Blair said smiling as she walked up the stairs.
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