DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters, no infriengement intended.
SERIES: Part of the 'Femslash Advocacy Group' series of spoofs.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
FEEDBACK: To ralst31[at]yahoo.co.uk

Sex Sucking Harpies Not Invited
By ralst


A gavel lay forlornly on the conference room table as various brunettes milled around, waiting for a deranged blonde to come barging into the room and start demanding their attention. When, after ten minutes, no blonde-whirlwinds appeared, Xena took it upon herself to open the meeting.

"Okay, listen up, I hereby call this meeting to order." The words felt foreign to Xena's lips but she'd been given a 'FAG subgroup vocabulary report' by Gabrielle (proof read by Alexandra Cabot) prior to the meeting and warned, several times, that if she deviated in any respect she'd be sleeping in the spare bedroll for the next month.

Olivia Benson picked up the gavel and rapped it expertly against the tabletop. "I object." She looked down at her copy of 'Derailing FAG subgroup meetings' as issued by Alexandra Cabot and scowled. "I think you're supposed to be tackling me for the gavel by now," she said to Xena.

"Oh God," sighed Pepa, silently wishing she'd stayed at home and ravished Silvia instead of attending this stupid meeting. It wasn't as if she had a blonde to worry about. "Can we get to the point?"

Ash nodded in agreement. "Pepa's right. I don't want to leave Scribbs alone for hours on end with that sex-crazed maniac on the loose." She had forbidden Scribbs from opening the door to anyone besides the pizza delivery boy and members of Her Majesty's Constabulary, but she still didn't feel safe.

"Right." Xena threw Gabrielle's report over her shoulder and made a mental note to swear everyone to secrecy regarding the exact content of the meeting. "We're here to discuss that harpy in black leather sucking the sex-juices out of our wives and lovers."

"Chi," corrected Kenzi, from her perch atop the conference room table, "and she's a succubus, not a harpy."

"Harpy, succubus, what's the difference?" asked Olivia. "The point is that your friend is running amok and attacking innocent blondes left, right and centre." She'd walked in on a poor, defenceless Alex Cabot being attacked by Bo, no last name, succubus just that morning. Her long-time girlfriend had been traumatised to such an extent that it had taken Olivia twenty minutes to prise Alex's arms and legs from around Bo's undulating body.

"I thought she had an OTP?" asked Susan Ivanova. "Where's she while all this is going on?"

"Dr. Hotpants," said Kenzi. "She and Bo have a complicated relationship." That was putting it mildly; six months ago the good doc had been all over Bo like a rash, but for some inexplicable reason every time she tried to make her move these days, she ended up cock-blocking herself. Or was that clit-blocking, Kenzi wondered. "I think one of you brunette types needs to have a word with Lauren."

"One of us? Why not you?" If Alex found out she'd been within ten feet of someone called Dr. Hotpants Olivia would paying for it, one way or another, for months.

With one wave of her hands Kenzi distanced herself from the group around her, "I'm not a brunette," she said, as if that should have been obvious, despite the brown strands of hair peeking out from under her 'designer' cap.

"You're a blonde?" Faith, also no last name but unrelated to the no last name succubus as far as anyone knew, asked. She hadn't paid the girl much heed until this point, assuming she was another brunette, but if she was a blonde that changed everything.

"No," said Kenzi, with a trace of 'as if' in her voice.

"Redhead?" Faith loved herself some redhead even more than blonde.

"I don't believe in labels," said Kenzi, "unless they're on clothes."

Bewildered looks were exchanged by various members of the group before it was universally decided that they should ignore such frivolous talk and get back to the matter at hand.

"We need an intervention," decided Ash, having watched a documentary about binge drinking the night before; unfortunately, Scribbs had been rather frisky that night, so she wasn't quite sure how they worked, but she was confident that more than one of her fellow brunettes had been involved in an intervention or two in their time.

"Really?" Kenzi looked sceptical. "Aren't you worried that Bo will go all alpha-succubus and such the chi right out of the lot of you?"

"But we're brunettes," said Olivia, as if the very idea was preposterous.

"So? That girl of mine will chow-down on just about anything if she's hungry; human, fae, blonde, pelt, it doesn't matter to her." As Bo's best friend and confidant Kenzi knew that what the succubus was really craving was a large helping of Doctor Love but she didn't see how and intervention was going to achieve that, unless... "We should do the intervention on Lauren."

"Lauren?" Xena looked confused and not just because she hadn't been paying attention. "But she's not the one roaming the byways of femslash sucking the sex out of innocent blondes."

Kenzi rolled her eyes and as a result felt the swish of air as a chakram whizzed over her head, missing her by millimetres. "Okay, valid point, Ms Grouchy." She repositioned her hat. "But what I'm saying is that if Bo was getting a good dose of the Doc she wouldn't be out screwing your blondes. Right? So we need to find a way to get the Doc to open her legs and take one for the team." Appalled looks registered on more than one face. "Maybe I could have phrased that better, but trust me, Lauren is dying for a little succubus action, she just needs a push in the right direction."

For a non-brunette-blonde-redhead, Kenzi made a valid point, and several brunette heads began to nod in agreement. "Is she cute?" asked Faith. "Lauren, I mean."

"I guess," said Kenzi, not willing to admit exactly why she always called Lauren Dr. Hotpants in her dreams. "Why?"

The wolfish gleam in Faith's eyes answered that question, but Xena quickly put a stop to any untoward intentions where the good doctor was concerned. "No sleeping with the succubus's lady," she said sternly. "We grab her, do the intervention, and release her back into the wild." She glared at them all, her eyes landing heavily on Faith and a recently arrived Regina. "Do you understand me?"

More head nodding followed.

"Good." Xena picked up the gavel - she'd promised Gabrielle that she'd return it to her straight after the meeting - and banged twice upon the table, causing it to wobble rather worryingly. "You, you, you and you," she said, pointing to Kenzi, Olivia, Regina and Helena Kyle, "are on intervention duty. The rest of you, I want you patrolling femslash and keeping that damn harpy away from our women until the good doctor gets her mojo back. Understand?"

"Succubus," mumbled Kenzi, before nodding her ascent and joining the less than orderly queue for the door. "So, this is a FAG meeting? Somehow, I thought there would be more shouting."

Olivia and Xena shared a fond smile; if only she knew.

The End

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