DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters, but oh, if I did...
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.

By Cabenson

"How bad did it get?" he asked.

I told him that the pain of loss was overwhelming at times, but the comfort of her memories had kept me strong.

I didn't tell him how Elliott had found me the next morning, still covered in Alex's blood, her picture in one hand, my gun in the other.

"How are you feeling right now?" he asked.

I told him that I was focused at work, my appetite had returned and that I was finally sleeping through the night.

I didn't tell him about the undeserved rage I often directed toward Alex's replacement or the meals consisting of bourbon or caffeine. I didn't tell him that I lay awake most of the night wondering where she is, if she's safe, when she'll come home, will she still love me. I didn't tell him that when I finally drift off, I still hear the gunshots, I still see her bleeding, and I still wake up screaming her name.

"How do you feel about the future?" he asked.

I told him that Alex had been the love of my life and that I would always carry her in my heart. I told him that I knew we would be together again someday, but until then, I would use her spirit as encouragement when faced with the difficulties of life.

I didn't tell him that Alex was alive and that I would continue to mourn my loss of her, but never her ghost. I didn't tell him how I had told Elliott about the love Alex and I had shared and how he promised to help me bring her home again. I didn't tell him that my partner and I were secretly working with the Feds to bring down Velez. I didn't tell him that I knew without a doubt that I would see Alex again, hold her, love her.

Two days later, Cragen called me into his office.

"I know how hard Alex's death has been on you, on us all." he said.

I told him thanks and that I appreciated everything he and the squad had done for me after her death.

I didn't tell him that my heart tore a little more each time I heard him or Munch, or Fin talk about getting Alex's killer. I wished I could have told them the truth and I wondered if they would forgive us when they found out.

"You passed your psych eval," he said. "Now let's get back to work."

The End

Return to Law & Order Fiction

Return to Main Page