DISCLAIMER: The characters are adapted from the television series 'Law and Order: Special Victims Unit' and are therefore the property of its creators and producers as well as NBC. The narrative is my own. Errors in setting, character and continuity are purely my fault, some may even be intentional. Coincidences in narrative are purely accidental.
WARNING: This story deals with the aftermath of sexual assault against two of the main characters and with love, friendship and extreme sexuality between women. It is unsuitable for minors due to sensitive subject matter, explicit language and graphic depictions of sexuality. If you are 18 or over, read on at your own peril, pleasure and interest.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Held Within the Beat of Your Heart
By Lostintranslation21@yahoo.com
Part Three
The kiss was soft and gentle, the lightest brush of lips. When Alex didn't pull away, Olivia moved in a second time, this kiss announcing itself more clearly, hoping for a response.
A sigh escaped Alex's throat as she answered Olivia's kiss with one of her own. She would have stopped there, but for Olivia's hand moving to the back of her head, fingers sifting through her hair, moving against her scalp. The touch was too sweet to forsake and she allowed the kiss to deepen, welcoming the press of Olivia's tongue.
Alarm bells were sounding clearly in her thoughts, but Olivia refused to acknowledge them. Instead, she let her hand slip downward to curl around the back of Alex's neck while her tongue continued to chart the subtle textures of Alex's mouth. Fingers stretched underneath the collar of Alex' shirt, gently massaging the muscles in Alex's neck and shoulders. But it wasn't enough; Olivia wanted more. She slipped her other hand underneath the hem of Alex's shirt, her fingers molding against the delicate inward curve of Alex's lower back.
Similar alarm bells were sounding in Alex's head, but she listened to them, forcing herself to ignore the nerve endings firing throughout her body, forcing herself to pull gently out of Olivia's kiss, but not out of Olivia's embrace.
Her voice ragged with desire, she said. "We have to slow down."
"Why?" Olivia whispered back, her fingers still moving over Alex's skin.
"I don't really know," Alex admitted, tilting her forehead against Olivia's, and ignoring her own illogic. "I can't think when you stand this close to me."
A horrible thought crossed Olivia's mind, and even though she knew it wasn't true she couldn't stop the words from crossing her lips. "It's not because of what I did?"
Alex spoke quickly, insisting and explaining. "Olivia, you mean what they did, you did nothing wrong. But, no, it has nothing to do with what you're thinking."
The alarm bells ringing in Olivia's head continued to sound. She found another reason for her concerns. "Are you worried we're both vulnerable."
"Maybe. Or maybe I'm worried because you might be responding not to me, but to my being hurt."
Wanting to resist, Olivia knew she owed it to Alex to consider what the attorney was suggesting. Regretfully, she stepped back to lean against one of the kitchen counters.
"Maybe, it's a little of both." Olivia tried a tiny grin. "But did you at least like the kiss?"
"You know I did." Alex responded quickly.
Olivia saw the color rise in Alex's cheeks, hoping to see more, she bantered. "Well, if you like my kisses, wait until you try my green curry."
The color deepened. "That good, huh."
"It's the specialty of the house, but it takes hours to make if I have to make it by myself."
"If you want, I could lend a hand."
"I want." Olivia said with a gentle smile. Knowing Alex needed her to end the moment, she added, "But maybe right now you could set the table. The plates and bowls are in the cabinet to your left, and the flatware is in the drawer next to the refrigerator." Alex nodded shyly, too shyly? "Put out salad plates too; I hope you like balsamic and oil dressing."
"My favorite." Alex confirmed, and then jumped as the power suddenly came back on.
Olivia reached to turn off a small radio sitting atop the microwave, and then glanced at her watch. "They're early. I didn't think they'd get the power back on until at least eight." She moved towards the light switch at the kitchen door, only to stop abruptly and ask instead: "Candlelight is so much nicer, what do you think?"
The half-light of the emergency candles sent flickers up the wall of the kitchen, making it difficult to see to cook, but also difficult for Olivia to see her. Alex finished gathering the bowls, plates and flatware for the dining room table.
"I like the candlelight, so long as it's not a problem for you making dinner."
"It's not a problem." Olivia confirmed.
Alex was standing a few feet away from her, holding the dishes and flatware to her chest. Olivia resisted an impulse to take the things from her hands and wrap Alex in a full body hug, followed by an impulse to kiss Alex until they both were dizzy followed by an impulse to whisper all of her secrets into Alex's ear.
"Set the table, 'kay? Dinner will be ready in ten minutes."
Alex smiled and left the kitchen. Olivia glanced at the dim outline of her reflection in the window over the kitchen sink and whispered. "You better know what you're doing."
A minute or two later, Olivia came flying out of the kitchen door, startling Alex, heading to the apartment's entryway and announcing she'd forgotten to pick up the dinner bread. Not brooking Alex's protests, she hurriedly pulled on her jacket and boots, promising she was only running to the market across the street and asking Alex to pick out some music.
Outside, the snow continued to fall, but in dribs and drabs, enough to promote fender-benders but not enough to sway people to stay inside. The night air filled Olivia's lungs and she buttoned her jacket against the cold as she jogged across the street. As expected, the re-opened store was crowded with customers, and she expertly pushed her way through the throng to the narrow bread rack. Luck was on her side, and she grabbed up the last loaf of the day's freshly baked bread. While standing in line, Olivia let herself think about kissing Alex. It had been pure impulse and she rarely acted on impulse, not when it came to letting people in.
Like many cops, she let her job keep people at arm's length. Her emotional life was lived in helping the victims of crimes often so terrible no one else wanted to offer help, let alone comfort. But Alex unaware kept finding inroads, inching past her defenses, awakening her to the loneliness of the life she'd chosen. Years ago, on a rare stakeout with Munch, he'd called her monastic, and she'd dismissed the assessment. Not because she thought the observation was wrong, anyone looking at her life would see it for its separateness. Rather because what could be observed didn't match with what she wanted.
Her thoughts shifted back to Alex and an image of Alex lying asleep in the tub. The bruises, the wounds not withstanding, it was Alex's innocence that broke her heart. It was no wonder Alex was confused, Olivia chastised herself, it was she who had spent the past few years running from her while simultaneously seeking opportunities to enjoy her company, her intelligence, her humor, her caring. The miracle was that after all this time Alex wasn't running the other way.
She handed money to the cashier, but forewent the offered bag. Walking outside, Olivia glanced up, noticing the flicking light coming from her windows and the sign of Alex's silhouette, barely visible, little more than shadow and line, surrounded by the faintest of light, utterly and absolutely lovely. Olivia picked up her pace, darting in front of an oncoming car, no longer hurrying from the cold, hurrying instead to the warmth standing behind the window.
Her sore left side be damned, Olivia jogged up the steps, unwilling to wait for the elevator. When she came through the door, Alex was standing by the window, the throw blanket covering her shoulders. Schumann's Fantasia in C played softly.
Time stilled as Olivia took in the slender figured framed in front of the window, snow falling, drifting past her shoulders to the earth below, sweat pants crumpling at her ankles, the cuffs of her flannel shirt worn and frayed. The figure was a composition of youthfulness, but the eyes behind the black frames betrayed the illusion. The frame shifted and the picture became blue older than the sky.
"How is it outside?"
The world, the room and Olivia's vision snapped back into place. "Cold, messy, but lots of still white snow."
"Want to go outside after dinner and make snow angels." Alex asked, her expression showing she was joking.
Olivia's face opened into a wide grin, "Nah, I already have a DVD date with my very own ice princess. No snow angel could even begin to compare."
The joke hung between them for a moment as each tried to decide what it meant.
Finally, Alex spoke, "You know, I think you just made up for the Mommie Dearest teasing and the bit about the stove blowing up."
"What about Munch and the Morrison extradition?' Olivia asked, kicking off her boots and using yet another joke to hide her delight at Alex's response.
Alex shook her head and went to Olivia to help her with her jacket. "You're going to be working that one off for a while longer."
Olivia looked up, capturing Alex's eyes with her own. "But you'll keep working with me?"
The slight tremble in Olivia's voice was echoed in Alex's fingers as she brushed Olivia's cheek.
"I wouldn't know how to stop."
The moment was too precious to hold, Alex winked. "So are you going to be feeding me any time soon."
Olivia startled, having forgotten once again about dinner, not to mention the wrapped loaf of bread she held in her hand. "The pasta sauce, right. I better get back to the kitchen. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes max." She said in a rush, hurrying past Alex, but making sure their fingers brushed as she headed back to the stove.
Dinner was, as Olivia promised, ten minutes later. They ate by candlelight, talking very little and instead watching the snow blow off the rooftops of the buildings. Later, they made it through one of the Kim Novak movies and half of The Lady Eve, before Olivia insisted they call in a night, mostly because she wasn't sure Alex would last another five minutes, let alone another forty-five. She sent Alex off to the bathroom first, while she tidied up the apartment and checked to make sure the door was chained and bolted.
The muscles in her side aching from too much time spent on her feet, and her impromptu run up the stairs, as soon as Alex left the bathroom, Olivia headed in, flipping on the shower as she started stripping away her clothes, and only remembering seconds before she stepped into the water to place the plastic shield over her lower arm. Alex had left the candles lit, and so she left the lights off.
She turned her face into the water, welcoming the heat cascading over her head, rushing down back, sweeping past her abdomen and pooling at her feet. Eyes closed, she reached for the soap and began to lather her skin, breathing in the clean smell and instantly transporting herself back to the kitchen and to the scent of Alex's hair.
Her lips parted as she remembered in exquisite detail first the kiss and then the softness of Alex's skin underneath her fingers. Other memories of Alex flashed through her thoughts, of the night she and Elliot surprised her while she was out on a date, her hair up and dressed in a stunning red cocktail dress; of Alex in court flaying a defense expert witness; of walking behind her while going up the stairs at the station house; of arguing about a case in the hallway outside her office; of standing together in the coffee line at D'Mateo's; of dozens of memories she hadn't realized she'd been keeping.
She noticed one of her hands had dropped down to her thighs and was beginning to press between her legs, but she put up no resistance. More memories came back to her, of sitting on the sofa holding Alex in her arms, of holding up the wooden spoon to Alex's lips, of Alex opening her mouth to her. The water continued to rush over her body as she reached for her breast, her other hand moving deeper into the folds of her sex.
Memories shifted into fantasies, of kneeling before Alex and taking her into her mouth, of the two of them lying together in her bathtub. Her thought coalesced around a previously unacknowledged daydream of Alex and she making love on the floor in front of the fireplace. Alex was naked, her fingers wrapped into the sides of Olivia's leather coat, her legs clutching around Olivia's jean covered thigh. Her body rocked against Olivia's in ecstasy, but her eyes, self-aware and amused, looked into Olivia's soul. She climaxed, nearly choking on the spray of water, her knees ready to let go. Hands now braced against the tiled walls, Olivia waited for her heart to slow before turning off the water. A short time later, with her hair still damp, she pulled on an oversized tee shirt and left the bathroom.
Alex was found curled up and asleep, on the right side of the bed. The shadows from the candles flickered over her face, outlining her features in new ways for Olivia to see. Minus her glasses and with her hair fanned out over the pillow, she seemed untouched, the only hints of worry in her life, a few lines etched around her eyes. Afraid she might wake her, Olivia gingerly slipped under the covers. Almost instantly, Alex turned over and moved into Olivia's arms. Minutes after that, Olivia too fell asleep.
When Alex woke, it was morning. No longer surprised to find herself in Olivia's bed, she was startled to find herself meshed inside Olivia's arms, her face resting against Olivia's breasts. From Olivia's breathing, Alex guessed she was sleeping deeply. She moved away slowly and for a minute or two allowed herself to look at Olivia's face, to trace in her mind's eye the fullness of Olivia's lips and the broad, vertical planes of Olivia's cheekbones. She quickly realized her nerve endings were far too alive to lie so closely. Not wanting to risk Olivia's sudden awakening and immediate perception of her bodily response, Alex finished extricating herself from Olivia's embrace.
The hardwood floor was cold under the wool area carpet and Alex cast about for her socks from the night before. She found them near the desk chair and put them on. Then, legs bare, but feet now protected, she headed into the kitchen to make the morning coffee, but not before looking one last time at Olivia, lying on her side, one arm stretched out over her head, the other seemingly reaching for something. A thought crossed her mind quickly and then disappeared. Maybe she's reaching for me?
As soon as Alex left the room, Olivia opened her eyes. She'd wakened as Alex pulled out of her arms, but didn't want Alex to realize, enjoying far more than she should the obvious state of Alex's body. She rolled onto her back and replayed in her memory the press of Alex's excited breasts against her own, Alex's legs tangled against hers. After her shower the night before, she'd told herself she'd let things build slowly. Clearly, she was not working to plan. For the first time, instead of falling into unwanted memories, she allowed her thoughts to take her back to the night in the warehouse. Amid the horror, amid her rage at the men who had put Alex at such peril, she'd also felt unexpectedly intense affection and caring, feelings that had taken root years ago emerging in ways she could no longer ignore or overlook.
They'd been separated in the car, Alex in the back seat, she in the front, but, upon reaching the warehouse, Bester and Coulter had needed her to half carry Alex from the car. Under gunpoint, more afraid than she'd ever been in her life, she'd led a highly disoriented Alex across the parking lot, all the while crooning words of comfort and reassurance.
In the car, she'd heard Bester, among other things, crack Alex's head against the passenger window, and the results of the abuse were obvious. The next time Olivia saw Alex, blood was trickling from her nose and she was stumbling over her own feet, tripping in her heels.
Phantom memories of Alex leaning hard into her body, and the scent of Alex's perfume moved through her senses, of Alex beginning to shake violently as they were pushed through the side door of the warehouse and first saw the table and the harnesses nailed to the table legs. Bester had knocked her to the ground and was kicking her in the side while Coulter tied Alex down, but then he picked her up by the hair and dragged her to the end of the table. Her memory fixed on the terror in Alex's eyes, and some other aspect, she couldn't fully remember.
Eyes now closed, Olivia let her thoughts return her to the moment she gained control of the gun. Her eyes half crossed from the near dozen times Bester had struck her along the back and sides of her head, the box cutter now lying on the floor, blood flowing down her hand and over the pistol grip from the slashes in her arm, she shot him. Not out of rage, but in fear. Not for herself, but in fear of what Bester would do to Alex as soon as she was dead. Needing to get away from her thoughts, Olivia threw back the sheets and comforter to feel the bedroom's morning chill.
Stumbling out of bed, she shivered into a pair of sweat pants and then, against character, added a pair of sweat socks. Her side ached from lying in one position most of the night, and she stretched to loosen the sore muscles over her ribs. It occurred to her that she'd managed to avoid her morning run for four days in a row, today would not be the day she'd resume her usual routine.
Grimacing, she reached down to touch her toes, pushing her way through ten repetitions before the pain in her side grew too intense. Breathing through the hurt, she caught the scent of coffee on the air. Now smiling, she headed for the kitchen to find Alex, delightfully bare legged, leaning forward against the counter and watching the coffee brew.
Noticing Alex's arms were wrapped around her upper body, Olivia asked, "Do you want me to go get my robe," as she came up from behind and wrapped her arms around Alex's waist.
Alex leaned backward into the embrace. "I didn't know you were awake. I was hoping to bring you coffee in bed."
"Now that's the kind of pampering I could get used to fast. Sure you want to spoil me?"
"Since you're already up, it's not like I'm getting the chance."
Alex used her dry tone, the one that sent shivers up Olivia's spine.
"Touché, counselor. What about the robe?"
"This is nice too." Alex said, placing her hands over Olivia's. "I guess I shouldn't have made a full pot."
Olivia nuzzled Alex's hair "And I should have bought the coffee pot with the auto stop drip system. Oh, well."
"One of us could jump in the shower?"
"Or we could come up with another way to kill the time." Olivia murmured.
She placed a kiss on the side of Alex's neck. When she felt no resistance, she began a line of kisses leading to Alex's jaw line. She didn't need to move any further, instead Alex turned into the kiss, lips capturing Olivia's. Alex began to move inside the circle of Olivia's arms, but Olivia held her gently in place, Olivia's hands now moving in small circles over Alex's stomach. When Alex opened her mouth to the press of Olivia's tongue, Olivia brought her other hand to Alex's neck, first gently stroking the soft skin at Alex's throat, next, slowly working her way into the front of Alex's night shirt. Sensing no objections, she slipped lower, carefully keeping her hand between Alex's breasts as she dipped further, soon reaching the slight curvature of Alex's stomach. It was only then that Olivia felt Alex's hands, reaching from behind, leaving her body open and unguarded, as they worked their way under the hem of Olivia's tee shirt, pulling it up over Olivia's waist.
Instantly, her own breasts came alive, the nipples hardening against Alex's back. Olivia groaned softly as Alex's hips began to rock against her body, her tongue fighting against Olivia's for entry into Olivia's mouth. As Alex twisted in her arms, Olivia's hand continued to descend Alex's body until finally brushing along the upper edge of Alex's curls. Things were moving too quickly, they'd not talked enough about the kiss the night before, alarm warnings began going off in Olivia's head, and eventually she realized the warnings were real, someone was ringing the front door bell.
Somehow they managed to extricate themselves from one another within seconds, Olivia explaining that it was her neighbor leaving off his copy of last week's Newsweek, and she'd only be a minute or two. Out of breath, Alex nodded; happy to wait in the kitchen, only to realize suddenly that her nightshirt was now unbuttoned past her waist, and Olivia's eyes were slowly drifting down her body, inching their way to the last button buttoned. Self-conscious of the still visible bruising, she reached to close the garment, only to stop on Olivia's quiet request.
The bell rang a second time as Olivia moved closer. She brushed the lightest of kisses down Alex's sternum, allowing her face to sweep between the insides of Alex's breasts. Stepping back, Olivia smiled at the evidence of Alex's response, a smile that widened considerably when Alex, shaking her head at Olivia's persistence, reached out to give her detective a gentle push towards the doorway, the motion causing her nightshirt to open further, treating Olivia momentarily to the sight of nipples hardened into small peaks and the hint of moisture at the crest between Alex's legs.
Her expression both shyly amused and quizzical, Alex said. "You'd better get the door."
Olivia nodded, pivoted on her heel and left the kitchen, grinning over the knowledge that Alex was as wet as she was, still enjoying the taste of Alex's skin on her lips, and grateful beyond measure her counselor did not wear panties to bed. On her way to the front door, she stopped in the bedroom to grab her robe, and then hurried back through the apartment in the hope of preventing her neighbor from having to ring the bell yet a third time. Remembering to make certain she'd tied her robe first, Olivia threw off the chain and lock while also making a conscientious effort to wipe the smile from her face. Her efforts were unnecessary. As the door swung open, Olivia's jaw dropped at finding instead of Mr. Martinez, Donald Cragen.
"Captain?" Olivia said, automatically stepping back and giving him entrance.
"I stopped by to give you these." Cragen explained without preamble as he handed Olivia her badge and gun. "I.A.B. says you should have them, but that doesn't mean I want to see you at the station house before Monday."
"Not a problem, Captain." Olivia replied, somewhat stiffly, trying to think of a means for letting Alex know the Captain was at the door.
Cragen seemed to sense something was amiss. His expression one of curious concern, he asked. "Getting some rest?"
"Been taking it easy since they cut me loose from St. Catherine's." Out of a nervous need to fill the air with words, Olivia volunteered, "I've been kicking back watching DVDs and cooking."
Cragen nodded. "Things have been pretty quiet by us, too, what with the snow and everything. But I'm sure we'll be back to business as usual as soon as the city finishes clearing the streets."
"Munch must be going crazy."
"Finn too. They've been out on no more than two calls a day since the snow started."
"Catching up on paperwork, huh." Olivia supplied.
"Something like that."
An awkward silence began. Olivia could tell Cragen was holding something back. She took a guess. "I checked in with Elliot. He said he was looking for similar complaints. Has he come up with anything?"
Cragen unsuccessfully hid his surprise at Olivia's question. "He's come across three. All involve women in their late twenties or early thirties, blonde and slender. All ringers for Alex. What we figure is they grabbed up Alex not realizing who she was. Once Bester did, it was all gravy to him. Who knows, maybe this whole mess got put into motion because Bester had a jones for our A.D.A. All we know for sure is that it escalated." He stopped for a second or two, and seemed to be gauging Olivia for her reaction.
"So, they didn't expect me to jump into the fray."
"You were coming out the door of the diner when grabbed her. They probably didn't realize you and Alex were together."
Olivia knew she jumped slightly at the word, "together," and she watched Cragen ignore the response.
"Yesterday, Fin and Munch ripped apart Bester and Coulter's playhouse. They found a cache of digital cassettes. Elliot's interviewing the three women who filed complaints to see if any of them matches the vics in the cassettes."
"I would have liked to have gone out with him."
"Probably not a good idea, Olivia. This one is too close to the bone for you. I'm not even sure if Elliot should be working it."
"Captain," Olivia began, just as Alex came out of the kitchen, portable phone in hand.
"Baby, you're not going to believe it, but Nguyen slipped on the ice and broke his leg. I need to get over to the court house..."
At first she only noticed someone else in the room, she next realized it was Cragen, and she then realized how little she was wearing.
"Captain Cragen," she began, her face already a bright pink and quickly turning to a deep shade of red. "I think I'll go put on some clothes, now."
Mortified, Olivia turned to Cragen and began, "Alex has been looking after me..."
Cragen held up his hands, his own face red. "It's good to know you've been in good hands. I just hope you're also looking after Ms. Cabot." Immediately, he seemed to sense a problem with what he'd just said. "I mean it's nice to know you and she are getting along so well."
Olivia, the color of her face deepening as well, also held up her hands. "Captain, relax. I can't deal with you and Alex going nuts at the same time."
Cragen offered a rueful smile. "Why don't I clear out of here." Reaching for the door, he added. "Could you tell Alex I'm sorry I surprised her?"
"Will do, Captain." Olivia said, glancing at the floor and then back at Cragen. "I'd appreciate it if you kept quiet about seeing Alex in her nightshirt."
Cragen stopped. "Olivia, I'm not going to pretend I know what's going on. I'm just going to assume you and she are, as you said, looking after each other. Your business is your business. And that means anything I've seen stays here." It was his turn to look at the floor for a moment. "The one thing I do know is that Alex could really use a friend, and I'm glad it's you."
Olivia didn't trust herself to speak. Instead she simply nodded as Cragen made his way out the door. She locked it behind him, put on the chain and took a deep breath. She then went to the bedroom.
Already dressed, Alex was sitting on the side of the bed and putting on her sneakers.
"The Cap took off."
Alex didn't look up. Instead, she double-knotted her shoelaces. "He won't say anything, it's not his style. I just wish he hadn't seen me in my nightshirt."
Worried the unexpected exposure was reminding Alex of the attack; Olivia moved over to the bed and sat down next to her.
"I should have warned you."
Still looking at her shoes, Alex smiled. "I'm also really glad that I'm uptight enough to need to button up my nightshirt before I talk to my office. And, by the way, someday you're going to have to tell me how you managed to unbutton all of those buttons without me knowing." She finally turned to look at Olivia. "So how about you, feeling a bit too exposed?"
Olivia let the multiple meanings of Alex's question roll through her thoughts. She shook her head. "I only wish he'd have had better timing and you didn't have to leave."
"I can come back."
"You have to." Olivia reminded with a smile. "We're having green curry, tonight."
"My appearance is at three, I'll need to go home first to get dressed for court and then head over to the office to review the file. I can be back by five."
"What if I meet you at your office to take you home?"
Alex let her questions appear on her face.
Olivia answered them. "This is only a little bit about me being a cop and not wanting you to be alone on the street after dark. I'll get past that, I promise. This is more about not wanting to have to miss you any longer than I have to."
Alex's fingers moved tenderly over Olivia's cheek. "We're going to need to talk."
"And we will, I promise. But right now what I really need is to kiss you."
Alex smiled. "Funny, I was needing to kiss you." She leaned in and gently brushed her lips against Olivia's. "Have I mentioned how much I like doing that?"
"Not really." Olivia murmured. "Have I mentioned how much I like doing this?"
Olivia's hand moved to the back of Alex's head as she captured Alex's lips. The kiss expressed everything she was feeling, hope, desire, need. After using her tongue to tickle Alex's upper lip, her teeth closed over it, gently nipping at the small center cleft. Almost immediately, a memory of using her teeth for something else shot forward in Olivia's mind and she started to pull away, but Alex just as suddenly clasped Olivia's face between her hands.
Whispering her need into Olivia's mouth, Alex began to make her own explorations with her lips first and then her tongue. She kissed Olivia trying to send away forever any memories of what had happened to the two of them.
Olivia's hands found their way to Alex's back and began moving in small patterns, while Alex continued her ever-changing barrage of kisses. Lost in the attentions being given to her mouth, Olivia barely realized when Alex pulled one of her hands to her breast.
It was slightly smaller and rounder than her own, just fitting against the palm of her hand. Underneath Alex's shirt and bra, she could feel the nipple harden. Her thoughts slipped into a memory of Alex in her office getting ready for court. Olivia had surprised Alex, stopping by to drop off some paperwork, forgetting to knock and walking in on her as she was rubbing water into a stain on her blouse. There had been a mishap of sorts with a cup of coffee; Olivia never learned the details; what she did learn was the prosecutor's taste in lingerie, which ran to pastels and silk. Caught standing in her black wool skirt and a low cut, pale pink bra, for a moment the prosecutor stood dead still, and then she burst out laughing, sending Olivia into gales of laughter as well. It was a small moment, one that could have lead to something, but didn't, and one that Olivia remembered far more frequently than she was willing to acknowledge.
Now, with her hand moving slowly over cotton and silk covered skin, Olivia was only a step away from hyperventilating, but she received no mercy. Instead, Alex took her other hand, guiding it to her inner thigh.
Heat emanated through the heavy denim of Alex's jeans. Muscles fluttered underneath Olivia's touch. She moved her fingers over the rough cloth, enjoying Alex's responses, but then stopped.
Not sure where the words were coming from, but knowing Alex would understand, Olivia whispered, "Not yet."
Alex drew back and then pressed her forehead against Olivia's. Her voice was ragged, her breath labored. "You're right. We're not ready, yet. I guess I just wanted you to know how much I want you to touch me."
"Soon." Olivia whispered near Alex's ear, before gently tracing the delicate, curving flesh with the tip of her tongue. "We don't need to rush this."
"We don't." Alex agreed. "But could I have one last hug before I take off."
Sharing in Alex's shy laughter, Olivia stood up from the bed and then pulled Alex up and into her arms. Her eyes closed as Alex melted into her, their bodies making the connections each of them had formerly fought against.
The laughter died away quickly, and the two let themselves enjoy simplicity of the embrace.
When Alex pulled away, she looked searchingly into Olivia's eyes. "I know it sounds stupid and needy, but I'm going to miss you."
"Well then I guess I'm just as stupid and needy because I'm going to miss you too."
"Pick me up at 4:30?"
"I'll be there."
Watching Alex go was harder than Olivia had thought it would be, and after she left, the apartment seemed desolate. Olivia moved from the bedroom to the front room, sat down on the sofa and debated a dozen or so things to keep her occupied for the next seven hours before settling upon the only one that made her smile. Eager to get started, she was in and out of the shower in record time, and managed to dress almost as quickly as Alex. For the first time in over a year, she checked out her appearance in the mirror before leaving her apartment.
The jeans fit like an incredibly well tailored second skin, the black tee shirt hugged her breasts without looking too risqué and the boots had just the perfect level of polish. Someday soon, she'd go girly for Alex, indeed she had just the dress and heels to knock Alex's socks off, but today she was giving back exactly what Alex's kiss asked from her.
The hours passed in a flurry of errands and arrangements; still, not wanting to appear too anxious, Olivia waited until a respectable four forty-five to knock on the door of Alex's office. Off Alex's soft plea to come in, she opened the door.
Alex was at her desk, her suit jacket hanging over the back of her chair, her glasses riding low on the tip of her nose, and her hair slightly mussed. It took every ounce of Olivia's self-control not to rush across the room, pick Alex up in her arms and kiss her silly. Instead, she pushed her hands into her pockets, and tried to adopt a nonchalant pose; it utterly and charmingly failed.
"How'd the appearance go?"
Alex smiled and decided to ignore Olivia's question in favor of more important things. "You look nice, better than nice in fact."
"Nice?" Olivia said, pretending to ponder. "Not so sure 'nice' was what I was going for."
"Captivating?"
Her face beginning to break into a grin, Olivia encouraged. "Getting better."
"Drop dead sexy?"
"Okay, now you're about to turn my head with foolish flattery."
Alex took off her glasses and laid them over a yellow pad covered with her distinctive scribbling. "What about me. How do I look, besides over tired and pissed off because the ruling went the other way?"
Olivia smirked. "Sorry, baby, score one for the bad guys. Next time you'll nail them."
"Gee, I'd rather get some foolish flattery." Alex responded as she stood up from her desk and stretched out her back. It made several audible pops putting a frown on Olivia's face and a smile on Alex's.
"You know you're adorable when you get that concerned look. This little line forms just a smidge to right of your left eyebrow."
"From drop dead sexy to adorable, seriously not what I was going for."
"Shut up and grab my coat from the coat rack behind you." Alex chided with mock annoyance.
Laughing, Olivia did as she was asked, coming around the desk with the coat slung over her arm. "Anything else I can help you with," she asked standing so close her breath ruffled Alex's hair.
"I was thinking about that off an on all day." Alex said, maintaining her ground and looking into Olivia's eyes.
Surrendering an inch, Olivia sat with one hip on the edge of Alex's desk. "Only off and on, I was hoping for more."
"Well, I did appear before Judge Petrovsky..." She trailed off as Olivia's hand grazed along the side of her leg.
"And you should always concentrate during any court proceeding." Olivia prompted, her fingers circling around to Alex's inner thigh. She watched as the pulse in Alex's throat jumped. Encouraged, her fingers moved upward, brushing at the hem of Alex's skirt. Alex's shoulder twitched and Olivia asked, "Don't you think?"
Too distracted to understand Olivia's question, Alex nevertheless tried to figure out a response, but the determined movement of Olivia's fingers made all cognitive function impossible. Instead, she dropped her head against Olivia's shoulder.
"I thought about you all day." Olivia whispered, reveling in the heat of Alex's body, the warmth of her inner thigh and the fire only inches above. "Wondered how your day was going; hoped you had something nice for lunch."
Alex pressed a kiss on Olivia's shoulder before letting the tip of her tongue taste the leather of Olivia's coat. "Liz took me out, I'm not even sure what I had. You kept popping into my thoughts." She pulled her head back and looked into Olivia's eyes. "Will you take me home soon?"
She didn't notice home had come to mean Olivia's apartment, and neither did Olivia. The time for pondering the meaning of what they were doing or negotiating what they were to one another had passed, for the moment. Instead, they simply left Alex's office, catching a cab for the ride cross town and stumbling locked in each other's arms through the door of Olivia's apartment less than half an hour later.
Her eyes only on Olivia, it was the scent of the flowers that woke Alex to them. She moved out of Olivia's kiss and saw roses everywhere. Whole roses strewn across the mantle and coffee table, long stems sitting in a vase resting on an end table and petals scattered on the floor, leading a path to the bedroom.
"You were busy." She whispered.
"You like?" Olivia asked, loosening her hold around Alex's waist.
"I love." Alex said, watching Olivia's face open into the widest smile she'd ever seen.
Alex took off her coat and hung it in the closet. She then reached for Olivia's; smiling as she slipped away the leather garment that had been a key feature of a particularly satisfying fantasy indulged in while she was out on her lunch date with Donnelly. As she took away the coat, she let her hands glide over Olivia's breasts, and she smiled at Olivia's silent, but visible, reaction.
Her voice rough with emotion, Alex explained. "Just so you know, I'm planning on kissing you until you can't breathe, and maybe then some."
"Damn, that was my plan." Olivia joked, her bravado suddenly fading; no longer able to hide from the plague of nervousness she'd fought off and on throughout the day.
Alex glanced at the flowers spread through the room. "From the looks of things, I bet you can come up with something, even better." She said, only to realize Olivia had somehow gone completely tongue-tied. Loving her all the more, Alex reached for Olivia's hand and gave it a gentle tug. "Come on, I want to walk with you along the rose petal path."
In the bedroom, there were more roses, a single red stem over the pillow, a trail of pink and white petals leading to the bed, and hundreds more petals strewn over the open sheets. A little voice wondered where on Earth Olivia could have found so many roses in the wake of a blizzard, but Alex kept her question to herself. One of the first things she'd ever learned about Detective Benson was her resourcefulness.
And since this wasn't the time for questions, instead, Alex pulled Olivia into her arms, telling Olivia with her kiss the contents of her heart, and trusting Olivia to keep them safe. She reached for Olivia's belt; it opened easily, as did the closure of Olivia's jeans. Her fingers found the hem of Olivia's tee shirt, and she lifted it from Olivia's body, her hands slipping under the soft material and up the planes of Olivia's back. Soft skin covering hard muscle moved under her fingertips. A scar was discovered near the bottom of Olivia's left shoulder blade and a ticklish spot near the center of Olivia's lower back. Her mouth left Olivia's searching for the pulse point in Olivia's neck, while her hands continued in their explorations, gently touching Olivia's sides, before sliding down to the narrowing of Olivia's waist and then moving to yet another place.
Under her hands, Alex felt Olivia's body tremble as she drew alive long dormant nerve endings, warmed forgotten muscles and reawakened skin to the pleasures of being touched. She learned Olivia's body with her hands and fingers, lips and tongue, distracted only by Olivia's increasingly eager attentions.
For Olivia the world was of two kinds, one filled with the pleasures of Alex's soft whispers and gentle hands, the other pervaded by the past anxieties. She'd spent the entire day preparing for Alex to come home, wanting everything to be perfect, and knowing the only element of chance was she. She'd pulled away twice before, fearing Alex was not ready, but she knew her hesitations were also in part the result of her own apprehensions. Her concerns had little to do with the fact that her few experiences with women were long in the past and at best adolescent encounters. Rather, she could no longer ignore the fact that she'd become well-practiced at ignoring the callings of her own body, for all variety of reasons, to the point that now, when her every nerve seemed alive and the only thing she wanted on this earth was to give Alex the same, she had no rubric for expressing her desires.
Not at all sure of what she was doing, hoping Alex would excuse any clumsiness or missteps, she brought her fingers to the collar of Alex's shirt.
The button was tiny and slippery and utterly exasperating. Unaware, she voiced her frustration with a small sound in the back of her throat.
Her tone one of amusement, Alex pulled back to favor Olivia with a smile that turned Olivia's already shaky legs to butter. "Hey."
With sheer will the only thing keeping her upright, Olivia tried another joke. "So much for suave Olivia."
"I don't need suave Olivia, I already have wonderful Olivia." Alex reassured.
Olivia tried to respond with a smirk, but her question came out far more vulnerably than she intended. "Is it okay if wonderful Olivia has no idea what she's doing?"
"Detective, for some reason, I've a feeling you're going to be a quick study."
She said the word "detective" with a deep, throaty chuckle, fully aware of the effect she was creating, and enjoying it immensely. Closing her fingers over Olivia's, Alex easily opened the button, followed by three more. Gently, she guided Olivia's hand into her shirt and to her silk covered breast confessing, "Careful, the bruises seem to hurt more at night."
The confession wasn't necessary. Slowly, tentatively, wonderingly, Olivia's hand moved where Alex's hand guided it, soothing away the horrors that lurked in the back of Alex's thoughts, offering safety and excitement. Her head tipped forward, leaning against Alex's.
"You're so soft." She whispered.
More kisses passed between their lips, overwhelming Olivia to the point she now wondered when, not if, her legs would buckle beneath her. Alex's hands kept drifting, circling over her hips, running along her spine, circling around her waist, gently moving up her rib cage. Every nerve in her body seemed alive and longing for Alex's touch. She knew she wanted more, needed more, and she pulled back.
"I need to see you, more of you." Olivia whispered, not sure why this was what she needed, but wanting it so much her heart ached.
Alex grinned, placed her hands on Olivia's shoulders and gave her a gentle push, followed by two more, stopping as the backs of Olivia's knees hit the bed. Olivia sat down and Alex immediately stepped between her knees.
"Give me your hands."
Olivia did as she was asked, smiling as Alex placed them on her hips. Alex stopped to press a kiss on Olivia's lips, before opening the side closure and zipper of her skirt. She let the skirt drop to the floor and pool at her feet.
"Steady me?"
One hand on Olivia's shoulder, Alex stepped from out of her skirt. She would have left it on the floor, but Olivia had other plans. Pressing her face into Alex's silk covered hip, Olivia leaned down, picked it up from the floor and tossed it over to the chair.
Her fingers no longer trembling, Olivia next finished undoing the remaining buttons of Alex's shirt. Still, her eyes widened as Alex shook the blouse away from her shoulders, catching it in one hand and handing it to Olivia. The blouse joined the skirt on the chair.
Now standing only in her slip, underwear and shoes, Alex climbed onto the bed, letting her shoes fall to the floor as she moved to straddle Olivia's thighs.
"I want to see, too."
Her fingers curled over the hem of Olivia's tee shirt; in one quick motion, she pulled it over Olivia's head and sent it to the ever-growing pile of clothes on the chair. Settling back on Olivia's lap, Alex let her eyes run over the body that had claimed so many hours of her fantasy life.
Her detective's arm was still bandaged and her right side was a colorful riot of bruises and still Olivia was easily the most beautiful woman Alex had ever seen. The bra was surprising. Pale yellow and made of silk, lovely and womanly, it offered Olivia's breasts as a beautiful gift, but Alex had other things to attend to first. Silently, as her fingers closed over Olivia's hand, Alex bent down to kiss Olivia's bruised rib cage. When she finished anointing Olivia' side, Alex brought the hand to her lips.
She began with Olivia's fingertips, kissing each of them several times before moving to the palm. Using the tip of her tongue, she tickled the sensitive skin until Olivia's began to tremble, only then was Alex ready to move on to Olivia's wrist and finally to her bandaged forearm.
"Are these kisses to make it better?"
Alex looked into eyes darkened with need and dragged her tongue over the inside of Olivia's elbow, raising goose bumps across Olivia's shoulders and upper chest.
"I'm hoping they have all sorts of effects on you."
Her lips moved back to Olivia's fingertips, and Alex took two of them in her mouth, running her tongue along the sensitive pads before beginning to suck on them. By the time she let them go, the pulse point in Olivia's neck was visibly throbbing.
Alex smiled a second time because all good things come to those who wait. With her hands, she traced the muscles in Olivia's shoulders and upper arms, before leaning in to brush her lips over Olivia's neck first, then collar bone, and finally the rise of Olivia's breasts. Spurred on by the choked sounds of Olivia's pleasure, Alex ran the flat of her along the edge of Olivia's bra, tasting silk and skin as one, while her hands reached behind to undo the clasp. She pulled the delicate garment away slowly, the entire time her lips and tongue circling lower and lower until finally she caught one of Olivia's nipples between her teeth.
Instantly, Olivia's back arched, as her body seemed to catch fire under the press of Alex's mouth. Unaware, she fell backwards onto the bed, Alex falling with her, unaware, one hand curled around Alex's hip, while another circled to brush the rose stem from the pillow before coming around and over Alex's back. Ribs protested as Olivia pulled Alex on top of her, one hand dropping lower to cup Alex's behind, fingers digging into firm flesh, while the other hand began a continuous circuit of Alex's body, sifting through hair, moving over lightly muscled arms, curving along the lines of Alex's waist and hips, all the while shuddering under the onslaught of Alex's mouth as it nipped, tugged and licked at her breasts.
Olivia barely registered when Alex slipped down to her side, but then nearly leaped off the bed as Alex slipped a silk covered thigh between her legs and began pressing into her sex. She cried out, asking for something, but unaware of the request, as her thoughts turned to colors and sounds.
Smiling, Alex let go of the nipple she'd been so skillfully teasing and returned to Olivia's mouth. With her tongue and teeth, she gently tickled Olivia's upper lip, discovering and memorizing the sensitive region. Not willing to abandon Olivia's breasts entirely, her hand made its way back, cupping first one then the other while her leg continued to stroke against Olivia's sex. She kept her movements to a single rhythm, drawing Olivia into deeper and deeper currents of pleasure, while at the same time trembling with her own pleasure under the gentle force of Olivia's hands, one still cradling her ass, the other sifting and pulling through her hair.
Eyes closed, Olivia breathed Alex into her, willingly submitting to all of Alex's attentions, but still greedy with need. She wanted Alex's skin, the heat of Alex's body against her own. The thin barrier of clothing between them was too thick. She whispered her desire knowing Alex would understand.
Hair hanging down across her face, body pulsing with desire, Alex gently extricated herself from Olivia's arms, moved to the foot of the bed, and stood up. When Olivia began to move as well, she shook her head.
"Stay."
Smiling at Alex's command, Olivia did as she asked, and lay back against the pillows.
It was Alex's turn to smile. "Funny, you usually don't comply with my requests so quickly," she observed as she began to undo the laces of Olivia's boots, while her eyes remained fixed on Olivia's breasts.
"Usually, I make you work for it." Olivia agreed in a calm voice, masking her excitement over Alex's blatant enjoyment of her body.
Alex finished pulling off one of the boots and began tugging at the other. "But not right now?"
"Right now, I'm pretty sure I would do anything you ask."
"I'm liking the sound of that." Alex responded, grinning as she let Olivia's other boot fall to the floor with a loud thunk.
Olivia grinned back. "Is the expression on your face at the expense of my boots?"
"Like you didn't put them on specifically because you knew I'd get excited over them. The jeans, the tee-shirt, the leather coat, all of it was intended to make me wet."
Alex spaced apart the last three words, sending Olivia's heart racing, but years of maintaining a façade of calmness for once paid off. "So, did I succeed?" She asked, her question needing no answer.
"Okay, I like girls in boots," Alex defended with feigned concern, "I also like them in short skirts, heels and lots of leg."
Olivia raised an eyebrow majestically. "Girls."
"Women?" Alex questioned.
Olivia shook her head.
No longer joking, Alex looked into Olivia's eyes. "You." She said simply. "I like you."
Her expression matching Alex's, Olivia replied, "I like you, too."
For several seconds neither of them moved. Instead, they let the moment continue, enjoying the revelation that was finally put into words. It was Alex who recovered first.
"Ready to give these up to me?" She asked, as her fingers closed over the ends of Olivia's pant legs. Before Olivia could respond, she pulled them off, with Olivia's socks and let them fall to the floor.
Olivia now lay on the bed wearing only her panties, like her bra, pale yellow and silk. Alex couldn't see the bandages or the bruises; she could only see the woman she'd loved in secret for years. She started to crawl back up the bed, but Olivia stopped her.
Sitting up, Olivia caught Alex's hand. "Baby, I need to see you." She watched the desire in Alex's eyes turn to something else, possibly fear, possibly embarrassment, maybe both.
Hoping she was guessing correctly, that what she was about to request would make it easier for the woman who seemed ready to offer her anything no matter the cost, Olivia whispered into Alex's ear. "Can you do something for me?"
Alex nodded, but her expression was anything but confident.
"Leave on your slip for now, but take off the rest, okay."
For a moment Olivia thought Alex was going to bolt from the room, but then she lived up to expectation. Turning away slightly, Alex began to work her way out of her underwear, first her bra, and then her stockings and panties.
By the time she finished, her back was to Olivia, and Alex wasn't sure how she was going to turn around to face her.
She heard the sound of bedsprings, and then Olivia rising behind her. Strong arms gently closed around her waist, and kisses began to press at the back of her neck. She leaned into Olivia's frame causing the silk of her slip to sooth against her battered skin, making it come alive, making it long for Olivia's touch.
She turned in Olivia's arms, and realized Olivia was now entirely naked. Moving back a step, she let her eyes run the length of Olivia's body as her hands grazed first along the smooth muscles of Olivia's shoulders and upper arms, then jumping to Olivia's waist. Not realizing she was speaking aloud, she murmured, "You're so incredibly lovely," as her fingers brushed downwards, from the rise of Olivia's breasts, over nipples drawn tight, along a well-muscled abdomen, and then lightly over the dark, unruly thatch of hair covering Olivia's sex.
Her face warm from Alex's touch, the obvious desire in Alex's voice and, most of all, the compliment, Olivia fought an impulse to pull Alex against her, to disappear herself inside Alex's arms. She knew people found her attractive; men and woman gave her more than the proverbial "second glance." But she could never manage to see herself as others did. When she looked into the mirror, she could see the cop, she could see the person who defended and cared for others, she could even see the intelligence, but her vision ended there. She was afraid to look for more. And she was even more afraid of what others might see.
Alex, sensing Olivia's distraction, moved the palms of her hands over Olivia's breasts, regaining her attention.
"Baby, stay with me."
Olivia's face revealed her confusion, and, Alex hoped, her willingness to hear.
"Stay with me; stop hiding from me."
"Hide?" Olivia dissembled.
"What you do when I look at you." She laid her fingers against Olivia's lips to hold them quiet; she needed Olivia to hear her. "What you do when you see me want you."
"Maybe I'm shy?" Olivia whispered.
"Maybe you're afraid of what I'll see." Alex countered, watching as the pulse point in Olivia's throat began to jump. "You're so afraid I'm going to see him, discover him, be hurt by him, and he's not there. He's no part of you."
"Alex, biologists might disagree with you..."
"You are who you are. Beautiful, caring, smart, funny, Olivia..."
"I can't see myself that way." Olivia interrupted.
"You don't have to for now. I'm only asking you to let me see you as I do." Alex pressed a kiss on Olivia's temple. "Baby, I can't wait any longer."
Olivia let Alex's request sound inside her thoughts. "It cuts both ways."
"I know," was Alex's simple reply. She moved her head against Olivia's shoulder, breathing in the comforting scent of Olivia's skin. "I don't know what I'm afraid of, it's not as if you haven't already seen, this morning, the other night in your bathroom, the night it happened."
She looked up suddenly into Olivia's eyes. "Please don't try to make it your fault. I just can't take that." A knew wariness appeared in Olivia's eyes, but Alex pressed forward knowing if things weren't said they'd never entirely get past this moment. She brought her hands to Olivia's bruised side and bandaged arm. "If you try to take the blame for what you see on me, then I have to take the blame for this."
"Alex, that's different..."
"How?" Alex interrupted. "Liv, you got them resisting what they wanted you to do to me. I don't have nightmares of what happened to me, I only have them of what I saw happen to you."
Olivia shook her head, trying not to hear what Alex was telling her, but Alex wouldn't relent.
"Liv, I reach for you in my sleep because I'm dreaming I'm losing you to them, to your fears, to all the things that have kept me from you, but now I have a way in, and I'm not going to turn back."
Olivia spoke slowly. "You have to let me in, too."
Alex nodded, before sighing. "It's so stupid. I just ..." She trailed off.
"Just what?" Olivia prompted
"It's stupid. It's shallow." Alex admitted, her face beginning to color. "I've wanted this for so long, and in my dreams I wasn't ... " She trailed off a second time, her voice now choked with tears.
"For me the hard part is believing you could want me." Olivia confessed softly.
She swallowed hard and then drew her fingers along Olivia's cheek "How couldn't I?" She asked, but then turned to look away. "I wanted to tell you, to say something, but I was too afraid of being rejected. So I settled for having you in my dreams, sometimes I'd even pretend... " She trailed off a third time, but did not wait for Olivia's prompt, simply continuing after a moment, needing to admit to her fantasy, "The other night when I asked you out to dinner, I was half pretending it was a date. If I'd have had the courage to ask you out on a real date maybe none of this would have happened."
"God, no Alex. Our having dinner together had nothing to do with what happened." Olivia refused even as the equations of guilt and blame recalculated in her head and finally added up to something that did not require penance.