DISCLAIMER: Law & Order: Special Victims Unit is the property of NBC and Dick Wolf, and being used without permission or intention of profit.
SERIES: Seventh part of the Desktop Confessionals series following A Plain Morning, The Choice I have Come to Fear the Most, The Passenger, The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, Drifting and Newfound Masses.
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
SPOILER: Loss.
Such Great Heights
By JB
The ride back into the city takes much longer than I ever thought it did, but that could be from the anticipation I have of being alone with you. Elliot pulls up to your building and bids us goodbye quickly saying he has to be in court with some 'Novak' character. I can only imagine who that is. You smile softly at me knowing where my thoughts have led. In silence you lead me up the steps and into your building. I point out that the elevator is still broken and you laugh asking me if I'm surprised. Honestly, no, I'm not.
Following you up the stairs I realize a lot of the emotions running through me at this moment match the ones that did the first time you brought me home with you. You stop halfway up one of the flights and turn to me with a smile on your face.
"Remember the first time I brought you here?" You ask me and I smile with a nod telling you I was just thinking the same thing. You hold your hand out to me and I grasp it gently as we make our way up the rest of the stairs. By the fifth floor I remember why I use to like going to my apartment better and by the seventh I realize how out of shape I am. You laugh when I mention something about the city air maybe being the reason I'm so out of breath. As you push open the door and peel your jacket off you you ask me where I was that would make me say that.
"Seattle....at first." I unwind my scarf and toss it over your rocking chair before sinking in as if I've never been gone. You walk into the kitchen and call back after me.
"At first?"
"Yeah....at first." I want to leave it at that. I don't know how to explain my sudden move from Seattle to Victoria. I don't know how to explain any of that life to you.
"Where'd ya go after that?"
"Canada...for awhile....then to D.C....then here..." I give you the run down of my last few locations as you return with a couple of beers. Popping one open and slipping it into my hand, you flop onto the couch and kick off your boots.
"Thanks for not trying to shove tea down my throat." I take a few swigs of my Corona as you laugh with a gulp of yours.
"Anytime..." We sit in silence for a few moments just enjoying the presence of each other. We're also trying to find out where we stand with one another, but I have a feeling that is a conversation that will come later. Maybe after a few more beers.
I flip myself around in the chair so my legs are hanging over the arm rest and now I'm facing you. You're eyes are closed with your head tilted back against the beige suede of your couch. I push my leg out a little farther and tap you with my toes. You smile as you open one eye.
"Long day?" I prod and you nod your head telling me you haven't really slept in awhile.
"Because of a case?" You open your eyes to look straight into mine and shake your head no.
"Because of you." You whisper and I feel a shudder at your words. I tell you I don't like being a cause of your restlessness but you assure me it was the good kind. I smile at your words and tap you with my foot again. This time you grab it and pull my sock off, massaging my arches as we stare at each other. After a moment I feel my eyes start to close and my head drop back.
"God...I missed that." I moan and you chuckle softly as you grab my other foot. You ask me how long I've been up and I tell you it seems like quite a few days since I've actually been in a bed. You offer me yours and I decline immediately. I think a part of me is still afraid I'm going to wake up from this.
"Me too." You whisper and I realize I said my last thought aloud. You drop my feet to the ground and stretch your legs out with a command to 'do you'. I smirk at the phrase and you playfully kick me knowing what I was thinking. I pull your feet into my lap and start lazily running my finger tips over the tops. You squirm and remind me how much that tickles you. I laugh reminding you that I haven't forgotten. After a few minutes of comfortable silence we fall into a long conversation about what you've done over the past few years. You quickly catch me up on everyone's lives and I feel like I've missed more than I ever thought I would, though your run down makes it feel like I haven't missed a thing. I see that you're about to ask me about my last three years and I realize I just can't handle that quite yet. I push your feet off me as I stretch my arms out.
"Do you mind if I take a shower?" I start to stand up as I ask and I see it in your face that you're disappointed that I've avoided the subject of my previous life. You nod your head towards the hallway and remind me that everything is where it's always been. Including my robe you point out. I can't begin to explain the feelings that rush through me knowing that you've kept it here waiting for me. I pause in the doorway and turn to face you.
"I'm glad I'm here Liv..." I can feel my voice and lips start to shake and I see you're trying to control the same in you.
"Me too Alex." I smile at you before pushing off the wall and heading into the bathroom. A minute later I'm standing in your shower, the steam and water envelop me in the most comforting way. As the water comes pouring over my face I feel more complete than I have in awhile. While there is a slightly awkward tension between us I feel as though it's nothing we cannot overcome at this point. I try to rationalize that if you didn't want me I wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have saved my things that I had left. You wouldn't have kissed me the way you did back at that lot. The truth is that all those things have happened. The truth is that I wouldn't know what to do if you didn't want me.
I feel a sudden gust of wind as I hear you open the bathroom door and pop your head in.
"Just making sure I wasn't dreaming." You announce and I chuckle as you shut the door. You have no idea the amount of relief those simple words just caused in me. And as the water temperature starts to drop, I'm more convinced than ever that the choice I made is the right one. The person I am today is the person I was meant to be. And the woman in the other room waiting for me is the person I should be spending the rest of my life with. I just hope you feel the same.
The End
Sequel Rapid Hope Loss